This was a dry time for me spiritually (duh, you wanted hardwood floors over children!). Here is an exerpt from my journal at the time that gives you an idea of what I am talking about. And before you go thinking, "Wow, she keeps a journal. She is so spiritual." Know that I am totally inconsistent in journaling. I totally go in phases.
May 5, 2002
“I KNOW you are real. The prophecies, the manuscript evidence, etc. I have seen you do amazing things in me and in others. You are real, but right now I just don’t feel you. It is so strange to me that I am questioning and trying to understand your love for me. I never thought I could be at this place. The weekend’s theme (at the women’s retreat for my church) was all about your love. But then I say – ‘You love everyone. How is it special that you love me?’ What can I do to be close to you? Wait? Go into a serving ministry? Fast? Go through a hard time? Although I would not inflict that on myself. I know it sounds crazy, but I do envy Sally (not her real name) for the closeness she has to you as a result of the devastation she is experiencing from her husband cheating on her and leaving her. And I envy Pastor Steve – as a result of his illness, he is so close to you. Please draw me close. Whatever it takes.”
I ended that days journal entry, “A cool verse I found yesterday in II Chronicles 20:12 ‘We don’t know what to do, but our eyes are on you.’”
Little did I know, I did not need to be envious. My “hard time” was already growing inside of me. And the closeness to God that I so desired was just around the corner.
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1 comment:
I read a lot of blogs, but I don't think I've ever read a post that touched me so personally. I feel this. I feel this frequently. I've been through 10 years of a nightmare, and I feel this. What makes my situation any different than someone else's struggle?
Thanks for sharing this so I could read it today.
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