Praying for Faith to Die

Yeah, you read the post title correctly. I was praying that my baby would just die in my womb. With each day, I knew I was becoming more attached ... and then at some point in the near future she would die anyways. Too much too bear. And the thought of my child suffering killed me. Perhaps that was my biggest fear - little Faith coming into this world and simply experiencing suffer. That is certainly how they made me feel at the Perinatologist's office. They certainly could not understand why I would keep this baby. In their experience, 90% of Down Syndrome babies are aborted. What crazy person would bring a baby with a fatal condition into the world to suffer?

I have always been against abortion and boy, was this a test. I knew in my heart that there was no way I could abort this baby. But for a day or so after the ultrasound, there were these fleeting voices in my head (largely planted by the doctor/nurses and even some of my family members), "This is too much. You can't handle this. You are going to bring a suffering baby into the world - how cruel." I was even talking on the phone to a friend and remember saying something like, "I just want her to die because I don't want to have to make that choice." Shiloh overheard me and said, "What choice are you talking about? That's like divorce, that is not an option." It was music to my ears because I knew it was truth and I never even thought about it again. And I was glad that I had a husband with strong convictions.

But I did continue to pray that she would die in me. I don't know how long I continued with that prayer, but in the meantime, Shiloh prayed fervently that she would live to see the light of day. I didn't understand that so I asked him why. He said, "Because I love her." There went my sinking heart once again.

I am so thankful that God answered Shiloh's prayer and did not say yes to my foolishness or I would have missed quite possibly the greatest blessing of my life.