A Faith That's Compatible With Life

Inspiration for the Blog

2008-10-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

Recently (January of 2006), Oaks Muxlow passed away. He was 10 months old. I know Oak's Dad, Andy, from back in my So Cal acting days. I lived on a cul-de-sac in Shadow Hills surrounded by the Muxlows, the Wimers and the Lehmans (all of Andy's aunts, uncles, cousins, etc). I have such sweet memories of the amazing families (that still live there) and the love they have for the Lord. I looked through some old photos recently. I couldn't find the ones with Andy in them, but I came across this one from that time in my life. This was for a school promish thing for Village Christian High School. Oakley (Andy's cousin) on the left, Paul in the middle (Andy's best friend) and my date, Mark (Andy's friend). Brooke (in the middle) is still one of my good friends. I didn't really know Orange girl, her name is Heather. And please people, don't covet our dresses.

Here is a recent photo of Andy and his wife, Becky.

Many of you know that Shiloh and I lost our firstborn child, Faith, when she was 4 days old. She had a fatal, uncorrectable condition called Trisomy 13. While Oaks and Faith are now rejoicing in heaven together, they have left some sad, yet hopeful parents on earth. Waiting each day to hear the condition of little Oaks (he was in a coma for over a week) certainly brought back memories and emotions of our time with Faith. I ached so much for Beck and Andy as they surrendered their child to heaven. But as much as I was reminded of the heartache, I was reminded of God's amazing love. I was reminded his faithfulness and the richness of His Word. I was reminded of how much he carried me through our situation and brought me "peace that passes understanding." I have been meaning to write a book about it, but I am too busy updating my hagenhoopla blog (and it's so deep and life changing, I know) and cleaning up cat throw up off the carpet. If I could only write a short story or something... or a blog!!! And I know what you are thinking, "How depressing. I don't want to read about a baby that died."

Au contraire mon frere, this is a story of extreme hope, faith, encouragment and the goodness of God. I will break this up into different segments so you can read bits and pieces at your convenience and because I cannot write that much all at once.

P.S. I know a blog is normally posted with the most recent stuff, but i have set it up (just ignore the dates at the top) so that you can read the story chronologically from the beginning. So it is more of a book/blog or a "Blook" (just made up that term) than a blog, but until I write a real book about it - here it is.

"Fine, let's have some kids."

2008-10-22T20:46:00.001-07:00

Where to begin... Shiloh and I met on a church retreat with Bel Air Pres. In fact, the above photo is from that retreat! We were both students at UCLA. After dating for 1 1/2 years we got engaged on the San Clemente Pier.

After dating for 2 1/2 years we got married in Danville.

We settled in San Mateo as Shiloh got a job as the Youth Pastor for Western Hills Church. We knew we wanted kids (2-4) and we knew we wanted to wait a bit (3-5 years) until we had them. Shiloh was definitely more eager than I was to start a family. Primarily because I am so spiritual. I mean, primarily beacause I am so selfish. As the 3 year mark approached, I was not "ready." I enjoyed our kidless life and the luxuries it afforded us. We were able to easily sneak away for the weekend, which we did about every 6 months. The main reason I was not "ready" for kids yet, because I wanted to save up some more money. Okay, let's be honest here, I wanted hardwood floors. Nope, not kidding. Wish I was because looking back I can see how completely lame that is. We had mauve linoleum in the kitchen and I wanted that dated, cheap, worthless flooring gone. I KNEW if we had kids I would never get my hardwood floors... or anything else for that matter. I would be staying home and all monies would be inhaled by children. Shiloh finally caught on that my excuses were pretty invalid, selfish, unrealistic and dumb. I finally caught on that... well nothing. I caught on to nothing. God just worked on my heart and I finally said, "Fine. Let's have some kids."

Spiritual Desert

2008-10-22T20:45:00.001-07:00

This was a dry time for me spiritually (duh, you wanted hardwood floors over children!). Here is an exerpt from my journal at the time that gives you an idea of what I am talking about. And before you go thinking, "Wow, she keeps a journal. She is so spiritual." Know that I am totally inconsistent in journaling. I totally go in phases.
May 5, 2002
“I KNOW you are real. The prophecies, the manuscript evidence, etc. I have seen you do amazing things in me and in others. You are real, but right now I just don’t feel you. It is so strange to me that I am questioning and trying to understand your love for me. I never thought I could be at this place. The weekend’s theme (at the women’s retreat for my church) was all about your love. But then I say – ‘You love everyone. How is it special that you love me?’ What can I do to be close to you? Wait? Go into a serving ministry? Fast? Go through a hard time? Although I would not inflict that on myself. I know it sounds crazy, but I do envy Sally (not her real name) for the closeness she has to you as a result of the devastation she is experiencing from her husband cheating on her and leaving her. And I envy Pastor Steve – as a result of his illness, he is so close to you. Please draw me close. Whatever it takes.”

I ended that days journal entry, “A cool verse I found yesterday in II Chronicles 20:12 ‘We don’t know what to do, but our eyes are on you.’”

Little did I know, I did not need to be envious. My “hard time” was already growing inside of me. And the closeness to God that I so desired was just around the corner.

Acts 17:26 - God is in Control

2008-10-22T20:44:00.001-07:00

During this time of spiritual dryness, I continued to go to church, women's Bible study, etc. I felt like I wasn't really learning anything. However, I did get the repeated message that God is in control. In particular, Acts 17:26 was drilled into me:
"From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live." Debbie Alsdorf, our women's ministry director at church, used this verse at the women's Bible Study. Then she came with me and shared at a SF Giants Wives Bible Study. Didn't I tell you? Shiloh played pro baseball at this time for the Giants. Not really. One of my girlfriend's husbands did. This verse came up again at this Bible study and I thought, "How appropriate for these women. They never really know exactly where they will be living because their husbands could easily get cut or traded or sent to AAA. But God knows exactly where they will live. How comforting for them. Too bad I can't really apply this verse to my life." I just really did not have anything out of control in my life that would necessitate me completely relying on the fact that God is in control although I recognized that in a generic sense.

In early April of 2002 we became pregnant. What am I talking about? I became pregnant. Shiloh just kicked back and enjoyed his pregnantless self. We were excited! We had the room painted in UCLA unisex(ish?) colors because we did not plan to find out the gender of the baby.

"Your baby has a lot of problems."

2008-10-22T20:43:00.001-07:00

On September 4th we visited Dr. Paula Melone's office (perinatologist) to get our level 2, 20 week ultrasound. We had decided that we were not going to find out the the sex of the baby, although this is the main purpose of that visit ... or so we thought.

As Dr. Melone did the ultrasound, I joked around. Surprise, surprise. And then she stopped me, "Wendy I need to be serious with you right now. Your baby has a lot of problems." Gulp.
She then proceeded to tell us about defect after defect. First the cleft lip and palate. Then the hole in the heart. Then the omphalocele (basically when the intestines are on the oustside of the body - weird, I know). All of these midline defects led her to conclude it had to be Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18. A rare chromosomal abnormality that happens at conception. A fatal condition. Our baby was going to die, but no one knew when. Man, I can remember the scene so clearly. What the room looked like. Where the phone was in relation to where I was lying because I had to pick it up and call my brother, Kevin. I told him the news and asked him to call my parents.

The irony in all of this is that I was in a spiritual desert, right? I did not feel close to God, right? And I had not really been learning anything despite my attendence of church and Bible Study, right? Ha! What Bible verse do you think immediately came to mind as the doctor was pouring out the bad news. Can I get an "Acts 17:26"?
The next day this is what I journaled:
9/5/03“Certainly it was not the news we expected. However, I think God has been preparing me for this for many months. I have been learning over and over again that he is IN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING. And so even as the doctor was telling us this terrible news – I felt peace. I knew that God had chosen us on that day to deal with this baby and her problems. Strangely, I even feel special and honored that in 1 in 7500 chance – God would chose us to take on this challenge and give us the opportunity to glorify him. So, I can even be thankful in this situation.”

My reaction in my journal

2008-10-22T20:42:00.002-07:00

Here is some of what I journaled the day after we had our 20 week ultrasound.

"I feel so strong about my faith and trust in God riht now. I know this may waiver and at times maybe I will question God or be angry, but right now I feel very strong. I also feel very strong in standing up against the opposition (whoever they may be - I expect all the doctors) regarding abortion. We will not have one. We are trusting God to take care of our baby, Faith, and us, whatever the outcome. Yesterday, I was entertaining the idea of abortion (as I never thought I could, but the prognosis was so bad). Is it fair or right to bring a suffering child into the world? Shiloh never flinched. He said, like divorce, abortion is not an option. I am thankful to really see his leadership surface at this time. Spiritually he is strong. He has been serving me with food and love. I feel very close to him even though we are coping differently. Yesterday he didn't talk to anyone until he called his Dad at 6pm. He IMed Caleb (his brother). He couldn't talk to anyone or he would just cry. I, on the other hand, spent a lot of time on the phone yesterday and today."

My first email - telling the sad news

2008-10-22T20:42:00.001-07:00

I was not a blogger back in 2002. Instead I sent out mass email updates to my friends and family (which ended up getting passed along all over the place. I got emails from people I didn't know. It was sweet). So here is the email I sent out to everyone letting them know about our ultrasound appointment when we found out that our baby had a fatal condition:

Sept 7, 2002
I think that most of you know that Shiloh and I are expecting our first child on January 19th. What a lot of you do not know yet is about the findings from our 20 week ultrasound (taken on Wednesday). The doctor discovered a large cleft in the lip, an atrial septal defect in the heart (basically a hole) and several holes in the abdomen area. The doctor knew right away that this was indicative of either Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18, which are both fatal genetic syndromes. Last night we received the results from Wednesday's amniocentesis which confirmed that it is in fact Trisomy 13 (see www.trisomy.org if you want more details). Trisomy 13 is a rare problem (in my case - 1 in 7000-10000ish) that happens as soon as the sperm and egg unite and somehow there is an extra chromosome in the 13th pair. As far as we know, it does not look like something that is likely to happen again nor is there any risk to my health.

Most babies do not even make it to birth. Of the babies that are born, %90 percent die before age one. They are born with severe retardation and a myriad of physical problems. For Shiloh and I, abortion is not an option. We know that God will give us the strength to handle whatever he brings our way - if she dies in me or is stillborn or lives a short time. I believe that if she is really suffering God will take her to heaven. I have spoken with a women who had a Trisomy 13 baby (Samuel) that lived for two months. He was blind, had a feeding tube & was probably deaf. They resuscitated him 17 times (the babies often die because they just stop breathing). She said that they loved him and made him comfortable and they would not trade their time with him for the world. When he started being uncomfortable (his feet started swelling and they could tell his quality of life was declining), they did not resuscitate him and he died. If she (we found out the sex and we named her 'Faith') makes it that far, will we choose to resuscitate even once? I don't know. We will just take one day at a time.

Here is the good news:
1. Since the moment the Doctor started telling us the devastating news I have strongly felt the presence of God. In the last 6 months or so, He has been reminding me in many ways that HE IS IN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING. In Acts 17 the Bible says that he has determined the times set for us and even the places that we should live! In God we live and move and have our being. Up until now, I did not have a significant application of this because everything was going quite well. But now I know that he was preparing me for the uncertainty of what lies ahead. God knows how long Faith will make it and he will take care of her and Shiloh and I.

2. Philippians 4:6,7 read "Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I have this peace that passes all understanding! I cannot even believe the peace that God has given me to face this situation. Don't get me wrong, this is a tragic situation and I have shed many tears. I also know that I will have moments and days where I will feel very down and perhaps even be angry with God. But for now I have an incredible sense of calm and peace that can only be from God and all the prayers of his people. So I really do appreciate the literally thousands of people that have already been praying for us. In addition, I actually feel honored (I know it sounds crazy) that God chose us out of 7000-10,000 people to be the ones to go through this. He knew that we could handle this and perhaps point others toward Him. He loves us. He knows us. He sustains us.

3. We have a wonderful support system. We went to our small group Bible Study on Wednesday night (the day we found out) and they completely shifted what we were doing to support us and lift us up in prayer. My family is devastated but have offered so much support. Although in Southern California, Shiloh's family have extended their prayers, love and concern. Shiloh's brother Caleb is driving up here as I write this just for the day to hang out with us. My Mom's friends have brought us dinners. Friends have offered to drop everything to do anything to help us.

4. Shiloh and I are closer than ever. I know that something like this can be very damaging to a marriage. In our case, we are clinging to one another.
Although we deal with it all differently, (I am researching and talking to a lot of people - Shiloh has only called a few people) we very much support each other - even in the way we are coping differently. Shiloh's faith is strong and he too knows that God is in charge.

Where do we go from here? We meet with the genetic counselor on Monday morning for further counseling. We will also talk to my regular OBGYN and see if I will go to a different doctor for high-risk pregnancies. We will also then find out how often I will go, etc.

Thank you so much for all your love, support & prayers. Know that God is working in us and giving us strength to endure.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." I Peter 1:6-7

Journal Entry - People come to church with us & some of my fears

2008-10-22T20:41:00.000-07:00

Some of this is repeat, but I am going through my journal and this is verbatim from it.

September 15, 2002 Journal Entry

2:15pm
"Mom, Dad, Kevin, Erin, Cameron, Casey, Kylie, Solmaz, Michael, Forest, Dre, Pete and Kirby all went to Cornerstone with us this morning. I am so excited. I pray tey would be pierced by God's word. I introduced myself, Shiloh and my parents to Pastor Steve. He prayed for for us. He prayed for Faith to be healed."

3:15pm
"Here are some of my fears:
I am more afraid of Faith living than dying. I am afraid to see her. I want to think she is beautiful and because of all her deformities I fear that I will gasp when I see her. I am afraid that I will not be able to give her the care she needs. I am afraid she will suffer. I am afraid she will live to be 10 years old and I will be running on empty. That being said, I know God will give me strength to give what I need, love how he does. It just needs to sink into my heart. He has taken me this far, I need to trust him 100%. I just felt Faith move. I start week 23 tomorrow. I have a Dr. appt. at 4:30 tomorrow with Dr. Leach."

Then I wrote these verses:
Psalm 100:5
"Know that the Lord himself is God; It is he who has made us, and not we ourselves; We are the people of his pasture."

Luke 17:5
"And the apostles said to the Lord, 'Increase our faith.'"

II Corinthians 5:7
"For we walk b faith, not by sight.

Praying for Faith to Die

2008-10-22T20:40:00.001-07:00

Yeah, you read the post title correctly. I was praying that my baby would just die in my womb. With each day, I knew I was becoming more attached ... and then at some point in the near future she would die anyways. Too much too bear. And the thought of my child suffering killed me. Perhaps that was my biggest fear - little Faith coming into this world and simply experiencing suffer. That is certainly how they made me feel at the Perinatologist's office. They certainly could not understand why I would keep this baby. In their experience, 90% of Down Syndrome babies are aborted. What crazy person would bring a baby with a fatal condition into the world to suffer?

I have always been against abortion and boy, was this a test. I knew in my heart that there was no way I could abort this baby. But for a day or so after the ultrasound, there were these fleeting voices in my head (largely planted by the doctor/nurses and even some of my family members), "This is too much. You can't handle this. You are going to bring a suffering baby into the world - how cruel." I was even talking on the phone to a friend and remember saying something like, "I just want her to die because I don't want to have to make that choice." Shiloh overheard me and said, "What choice are you talking about? That's like divorce, that is not an option." It was music to my ears because I knew it was truth and I never even thought about it again. And I was glad that I had a husband with strong convictions.

But I did continue to pray that she would die in me. I don't know how long I continued with that prayer, but in the meantime, Shiloh prayed fervently that she would live to see the light of day. I didn't understand that so I asked him why. He said, "Because I love her." There went my sinking heart once again.

I am so thankful that God answered Shiloh's prayer and did not say yes to my foolishness or I would have missed quite possibly the greatest blessing of my life.

Email #2

2008-10-22T20:39:00.001-07:00

Here is a follow up email I sent out.

9/17/07
The UPDATE

Dear Friends & Family,

Thank you for all your prayers and support. We appreciate all the encouraging letters and emails.

At this point we are going to my regular OBGYN once a week to have Faith's heartbeat checked. We had an appointment yesterday and her heart sounded fine. I can feel her move (somewhere between the butterflies and a kick) so I can kind of monitor if she is still alive or not. Yesterday was the beginning of week 23.

We got our "official" amnio results yesterday where they sampled more cells and again confirmed Trisomy 13. The good news is that this was not a result of a translocation (my understanding is that you have the right amount of chromosomes, but they are out of order and are thus more likely to produce a baby with a chromosome problem) so it is not a hereditary problem. However, the likelihood of having a baby with a chromosomal problem again (simply because it happened to us once) at this stage in the pregnancy is now 1 in 100, which is the same as a 36 year old women. Not too bad. I always felt I was mature for my age. Ha.

God is continuing to sustain us and strengthen us daily. The peace that we have can only be from Him. God's word is so refreshing to us and has come alive to me more than ever. Please continue to pray as we get more attached to Faith each day.

Many of you have asked how you can help or support us. The most encouraging and uplifting thing for us would be if you would seek to know God. Talk to Him. Read the Bible. Ask us questions about Him. And any of you are welcome to join us for church on Sundays. We want you to know this God we serve who loves and daily blesses us with His presence, comfort and peace even in the midst of such a tragedy.

God Bless You,

Wendy (& Shiloh)

"Know that the Lord Himself is God; It is he who has made us, and not we ourselves; We are the people of His pasture." Psalm 100:3

"When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' your love O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." Psalm 94:18

The amnio results

2008-10-22T20:38:00.000-07:00

I can remember where we were sitting when the phone call came in with the amnio results. We had gotten the amnio immediately after the ultrasound (on Wednesday) and were expecting the FISH results (preliminary, but highly accurate. just tests a smaller sample of cells, I think) on Friday. Well, Friday afternoon went by with no phone call. 6pm no phone call. Around 7pm the phone rang and it was the genetic counselor. At this point, I was just waiting to hear the news - either Trisomy 13 or 18. Which one is it? That way I could get on with my research. Prepare as best I could for baby Faith. Shiloh, on the other hand, was waiting for different news. Perhaps, "We were wrong. It is not chromosomal. Just a bunch of defects ... that can be fixed." So for me the phone call was not so surprising or disappointing (for me most of the disappointment happened at the ultrasound), "Your baby has Trisomy 13." Our baby was not fixable.

Shiloh laid back on the couch in silence. Then he spoke, "I feel like the wind has just been taken out of my sails. I never want to get up from the couch again."

And with that, my heart sank. It was a sad night at the Hagen house.

Email #3

2008-10-22T20:37:00.003-07:00

And another email...
10/24/02
Dear friends, family (and even some strangers!),

Things are pretty much status quo as far as Faith is concerned. She is still moving & kicking inside of me. Thus, we are only going to my doctor once a month, like normal pregnancy.

Shiloh and I did meet with a neonatalogist, Dr. Murphy, recently. He works at John Muir hospital in Walnut Creek (where we will deliver) and Children's Hospital in Oakland. In his 25 year career, he has seen 6-12 cases of Trisomy 13. He was very compassionate and informative and we appreciate the time he spent with us as we try to prepare for the road ahead. He talked to us about comfort care (making her as comfortable as possible for however long she lives) vs. more aggressive resuscitation (intubation for breathing, intravenous medication, surgery on her stomach etc.). It is important for Shiloh and I to decide which level of care we would like Faith to have before she is born and at this point Shiloh and I disagree. So that is our big prayer request. Pray that God would show us what he wants for Faith. We plan on having another Level 2 ultrasound at the end of November to monitor the state of her known existing problems and see if there is anything else that we can prepare for.

Physically, I feel good. I am still exercising and working. Emotionally, God is taking care of me everyday. Of course, I have had some down times, but overall God is really pouring out His peace on me. Shiloh is still keeping to himself and busying himself with the latest home electronic project.
That's all for now.
God Bless,
Wendy

Email #4

2008-10-22T20:37:00.001-07:00

As I have just reread this email I see that Dr. Melone said there was it would be near impossible that Faith would survive outside of the womb because of her heart defect. Hmm. She was wrong.

We had another level 2 ultrasound (a more high tech ultrasound than my regular OBGYN has) with the perintologist, Dr. Melone, today. Dr. Melone is a specialist in high risk pregnancies and is the one who first found the defects in Faith at my 20 week ultrasound. I am now finishing my 32nd week.

In today's ultrasound she found another defect with Faith's heart - much worse than the 3 existing defects we already knew about (the cleft lip, atrial septal defect of the heart, and the omphalocele (hole in stomach where Faith's insides are outside of her stomach)). Faith's heart has a double outlet in her right ventricle, which will make it near impossible for her to survive outside of my womb. Because of this, her left ventricle is very underdeveloped. Thus, the chance that little Faith will live for very long (no matter how much or how little we intervene) is slim.

After we saw Dr. Melone, we met with another neonatologist to reevaluate and discuss our birth plan in light of the severity of her heart problems. Shiloh and I have agreed on a birth plan, which alleviates some of the stress and anxiety of our situation. We are also going to meet with a cardiologist (December 3rd) at Children's Hospital in Oakland to confirm Dr. Melone's findings.
11/22/02
Physically, I am still feeling pretty good. Emotionally, Shiloh and I both have ups and downs. It is definitely getting harder as the days go by and we approach our due date. And often times Trisomy babies come earlier, so I really could go into labor at anytime. But God is faithful. Just when I think I cannot handle it anymore, he somehow reminds me that He is control of the situation. In fact, on Wednesday we met with a surgeon, Dr. Idowu, to discuss the possibility of correcting Faith's omphalocele (which now seems improbable being that her heart is so bad). He offered us so much spiritual encouragement that I was blown away. He reminded us that God would take care of me and Shiloh and Faith. He reminded us that God's wisdom is beyond ours and that he does want to use this situation for good. God loves his children. He was an unbelievable blessing to me and so lifted my spirit.

PLEASE continue to pray for us as we RELY on strength from God. He is our peace. He is our hope.

One Scripture I have been clinging to lately is Psalm 142:3 "When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, Then You knew my path."

Thanks again for all the love and support.

Wendy (and Shiloh)

Some of my Fears

2008-10-22T20:36:00.003-07:00

Later on September 12 I journaled this:
"Here are some of my fears:
I am more afraid of Faith living than dying. I am afraid to see her. I want to think she is beautiful and because of all her deformities I am afraid I will gasp when I see her. I am afraid that I will not be able to give her the care she needs. I am afraid she will suffer. I am afraid she will live to be 10 years old and I will be running on empty. That being said, I know God will give me the strength to give what I need, love how he does. It just needs to sink into my heart. He has taken me this far, I need to trust Him 100%. I just felt Faith move. I start 23 weeeks tomorrow. I have a Dr. Appt. at 4:30 tomorrow with Dr. Leach.

Psalm 100:3 "Know that the Lord Himself is God. It is He who has made us, and not we ourselve; we are the people of His pasture."

To start at the beginning of my story click on the title at the top of the page.

People Come to Church

2008-10-22T20:36:00.002-07:00

On Sunday, September 15, 2002 I wrote this in my journal:
"Mom, Dad, Kevin, Erin, Cameron, Casey, Kylie, Solmaz, Michael, Forrest, Andrea, Pete and Kirby all went to Cornerstone with us this morning. I am so excited. I pray they wold be pierced by God's word. I introduced myself, Shiloh and my parents to Pastor Steve. He prayed for Faith to be healed."

These people came to church to support me. What could be better?

Dr. Idowu - Major Blessing

2008-10-22T20:36:00.001-07:00

On November 20th I had one of the most memorable God encounters of my life.

Dr. Idowu was amazing! He is a pediatric surgeon (I think he is the head of
pediatric surgery at Children’s Hospital in Oakland). He is from Nigeria. We
sat down with him to discuss the possibility of correcting Faith’s
omphalocele (which is now a moot point because of her recently discovered
additional heart defect).
I filled him in our situation and how Shiloh and I were disagreeing about
how to care for Faith. He said, “What religion are you?” I said,
“Christian.” He said. “Okay. Me too. Born Again.”
I started crying.
Then he just spoke truth into us. In his thick Nigerian accent he said, “The
devil, he try to rob you of your joy. The devil, he try to use this to put
strain on your marriage. The devil, he is as real as our God. But God is in
control. And he will take care of all of you.” And on and on. We mostly
spent our time talking about spiritual things. Nothing he said changed the
severity of Faith's condition or our circumstances, but he was such an
answer to prayer. It's not like he said anything I had not said or heard or
thought myself. However, the past week had been very difficult and my joy
was being robbed. And Shiloh and I were having a really hard time and it was
definitely putting a wedge between us.
Obviously it is okay to be sad about our situation, but there is a
difference when Satan is at work. Anyway, Dr. Idowu really encouraged me. I
know it did not affect Shiloh as much as it did me, but I know he was
blessed by him, too.

AND here's the kicker - he was saved by an American missionary woman in
Nigeria when he was 19! So the fruit of her ministry was coming back to us!
And on top of all of this, he sent us an encouraging note yesterday. A
highlight of that note, "Let us continue to affirm God as the Lord of our
lives."

11/25/07 email from Dr. Idowu
Thank you for the nice e-mail. We are a source of blessings to each other because of the Lord's faithfulness. And because He is control we can face tomorrow and the uncertain future. Shiloh and Wendy be reassured that the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in times like this. Philippians 4:7

Stay tuned to Him.

Jire

Waiting for Faith

2008-10-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

At some point during this journey we met with the man who would be Faith's baby doctor, Dr. William Murphy. He is a neonatologist at Children's Hospital in Oakland and John Muir. Sweet and sensitive man who helped us with what we needed to decide for our birth plan.

And we met with a cardiologist at Children's Hospital to walk us through Faith's heart condition. He drew a picture of a healthy heart and then a picture of Faith's heart with its atrial septal defect.

We also toured the NICU at Children's Hospital in case Faith ended up being healthy enough to be transferred there. That was a depressing visit for sure.

After we met with Dr. Idowu and after we had some counsel from a pastor at our church Shiloh and I were able to come up with a birth plan. We decided that we would not intubate her if she was unable to breathe on her own. We left the use of Epinephrine open and would decide when we met her and upon the circumstance. We gave our birth plan to the hospital ahead of time and the staff was alerted to our situation.

During this time I had good days and bad. Days when I just broke down and SOBBED and days when I didn't shed a tear. And fortunately, Shiloh and I usually broke down at different times and could support each other accordingly.

P.S. I need to finish this blog, but so not to leave you hanging. Faith was born 5 1/2 weeks early. We held her and loved on her for four days. And then she went home to heaven. There is a lot more to the story, but I just haven't got to finishing it yet.